This is a satirical article by Jennifer L. Jacobson
Your mother was right; you are the literal center of the universe and so is your startup. You’re like binary stars in the post-Copernican sense, but with the whole freakin’ universe and not just our itty-bitty solar system.
Therefore, your press release should be an inflated piece of promotional hype that over-exemplifies everything you want your company to be in ten years, provide you get that $99.B in funding you wished for on your last birthday. It’s not going to write itself so let’s get to work:
Step 1. Free The Headline.
Always use the word free. Search engines love it. The public loves it. Press release syndication services love it. Who doesn’t love freedom? Always use the word always. And start many sentences with and. And leave dangling thoughts for no reason, just in case.
Specifics are too mainstream. Make your headline and sub-headline as vague as possible. Bury the lead. And make it unnecessarily long. It should be like a mini-novel, but without an obvious main character.
Pro Tip: Don’t say what industry your startup is in. Keep the reader guessing.
Step 2. Go to Ikea.
Writing things is a lot of work. Take a break. Go to Ikea and get some furniture for your startup. Invite the team, and then take them all out to lunch afterward. It’s okay. You’re a startup. You will eventually have the money to pay for all this.
Step 3. Eke Out The Opening Paragraph.
This part should mention your company name somewhere, and what you’re announcing, but that’s literally all the facts you can afford right now. Everything else should be descriptive words.
Pro Tip: Think of this part as a fun game where you use as many descriptive words as possible. Without saying what the product actually does.
Sample Buzz Words: Thrilling, amazing, revolutionary, first-ever, best-ever, most clever, endeavor, #awesome #hashtag.
Step 4. Minimize The Middle.
Bleh. No one reads the middle. So put all your real stuff there! Who, what, when, where, why. If you must mention the industry, this is the place to do it.
Pro Tip: Either keep this part really short, or make it three pages. These are your only options.
Step 5. The Random Quote.
Your CEO should give a quote somewhere. But why not interview your Director of HR? She works so hard, and her family would love to see her get some recognition.
Pro Tip: Make sure all quotes gratuitously dote the accolades on your startup, but again, try not to say how it is significant in any way.
Step 6. Skip The Last Part.
At this point, you’ve done everything you can, and you deserve another break. Let the intern write this part. It’ll be good for their career, and fun for your readers. Clock out at 2:30 pm and hit the gym, or the golf course, or go play some Minecraft. You’ve earned it.
Step 7. Destroy Syndication.
Put it out over the newswires in the evening. Most stories go out early in the morning, but you’re the center of the universe, remember?
Step 8. Maybe Tell Your PR Firm.
At this point, they really should be told what’s going on, but this way, you don’t have to pay for much of their time, since you’ve already done most of their job.
Step 9. Watch Your World Get Rocked.
This is when the phones will start ringing. The emails will pour in. The Instagram will go nuts. You will likely be acquired within the week, by a big awesome company. If you have investors, they will be so proud.
Optional Step 10. Go Back To Ikea.
You’ve decided you do want to get that corner bookcase. And those adorable LÖVA giant green leaf canopies in the kid’s department would look really great hanging over everyone’s desk.
The Bottom Line:
This is a satirical article, so please, please, please do not do the above. If your startups is looking for a more realistic guide, try this one. And Happy April Fool’s Day!
Jennifer L. Jacobson is an author and communications strategist who leverages marketing, brand identity, and public relations to help brands advance their voice. Her clients have been TIME’s best site of the year, and graced the likes of Today, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Popular Science, Scientific American, USA Today, and thousands more. She is the founder of Jacobson Communication; a Seattle-based PR and marketing firm. Follow Jennifer on Twitter: @Jcommunication