So part of what we’re trying to do is have our women handle their careers. You do not allow your career to be handled–you handle it. That means you must have some chutzpah about going into that room and saying to your boss every quarter, “This is where I am. These are the projects I’ve taken on. This is how I’m looking at new stretch opportunities. What do you think is the opportunity for me to get those?†If we don’t put it on the table, no one’s going to come and give it to us.
You believe that part of the challenge to building these strategic relationships, particularly for women of color, relates to our cultural upbringing.
Our parents said to keep our heads down, do our jobs, and keep our mouths shut, but keeping our mouths shut has not worked well for us. Part of it is being polite and part of it is being respectful, but part of it has really done us a disservice.
You chose a white male executive coach. Why? And what were his observations?
I wanted to hear from him what he saw. I needed to know what other white males were looking at. He said, “You come across pretty strong and that can be really, really frightening for a white male. It’s like you’re saying, ‘I’m telling you, and don’t you come back at me.’ If a manager doesn’t have a strong demeanor, he would not debate you. That’s not what you want. You want people to say, ‘You know, Sandra, I’m not quite there with you and here’s why.’ Then you can have a dialogue. They don’t want to feel that you’re going to come across that table and wipe them up.â€
So having open and honest dialogue helps people get clarity about how to communicate and how that communication is received?
If no one has the guts to tell you, you’ll never have the opportunity to change. I had to be coached at the senior level. How great would it have been if someone had pulled my coat when I was at mid-level and said, “Can you chill? Can you take it down a notch?†And I know that [black women] come across that way because we think they’re not hearing us, we feel invisible.
What can women do to get clarity about their reputation in an organization?
Feedback is important at all levels, all the time–you can’t just think you’re good. When I was passed over, I took a few people to lunch one-on-one. They were glad to go, and they were up-front. The point is, who knows you and what do they know about you? A lot of us don’t like to talk about our personal stuff at work, but we can’t be that way. You must bring your genuine self to work–we have to open up more. If you don’t know what to say or you don’t feel totally confident expressing ideas, be curious so that people understand that you’re trying to figure out how to grow, that you have a deep respect for how this person arrived. It doesn’t mean you have to drink all of their tea, but you respect people for where they are.