How To Stay Mindful and Demure When You Have A Narcissistic Boss

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Dear FairyGodMentor,

How do I deal with a narcissistic boss? I’m afraid I’ll lose my job because he always gaslights me and it gives me extreme anxiety. He is causing me mental health issues. What do I do?

Signed, Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for reaching out and asking for help. It’s a very daunting experience dealing with someone who makes it virtually impossible for you to focus on your performance because of their negative behaviors and treatment. I understand how this manager and their treatment may feel all too consuming but nothing is more important than your health and well-being.

Here are some success skills that will help you navigate narcissism in the workplace behavior:

1. Identify the behavior

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What feeds a narcissistic boss is manipulation and control. A common tactic that you may have experienced is gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you’re made to doubt your reality. It’s essential to realize this is “their stuff” and not “your stuff” to own. Remember that your worth and value are not wrapped up in anything they may say or do.

2. Keep your receipts

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I often suggest leaders document conversations and interactions to account for their direct reports’ behavior and performance. I share the same advice for direct reports. Keep detailed accounts of the treatment you’ve encountered, especially when you’ve felt gaslighted or manipulated. Documentation serves two purposes, it’s a record of what’s taken place should you need to escalate the matter to Human Resources (HR) or your compliance department, and it will ground you in reality if you start to doubt yourself.

3. No is a complete sentence

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This may feel impossible at this time, but it’s critical to set clear boundaries. There’s still time to set them! You can set boundaries with this type of boss in several ways: removing yourself from any conversations that aren’t professional, restating or reframing what was said when you feel that manipulation or personal attacks are being made, and working your self-management skills by regulating how you respond to this type of behavior.

4. Get help

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Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength! You’ve already flexed your “get help” muscles by sending this note over to me. Being treated this way can feel very isolating, but don’t be ashamed of asking for help from your support system. Your support system could look like your family, friends, a mentor, or a therapist. If you feel that this person is violating law, policy, or your physical and/or psychological safety, talk to HR – immediately. HR can step in, document your concerns, and take additional corrective action steps.

5. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow

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You may want to take a pause for the cause and think about your future. Dust off that resume, keep in touch with your network, and maybe enlist the support of a career coach to keep you motivated on your path to career success. I know a great coach if you need one! (hint, hint).

6. Self-care isn’t selfish

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This whole workplace experience has taken a toll on you! It is not selfish to prioritize self-care. Self-care isn’t always taking bubble baths and eating bonbons. Do what energizes you. Take on activities that decrease anxiety and keep you feeling grounded. Whether it’s taking a break to breathe a few deep breaths, exercise, or meditation. Take a deep breath right now. Do you feel that air in your lungs rushing in and escaping? That’s your body reminding you that there’s only one you in the world and you have a lot of magic to do while you’re here. You matter!

Cindy, your career is very important, but your mental and physical well-being are just as important. You can always make more money, but you can’t make more time. Protect your peace at all costs. Self-advocacy gives you your control back. When you raise your voice, you raise your value. You have the power to create the type of work environment that builds you up and doesn’t tear you down. You can decide to bloom where you’re planted or uproot yourself and plant yourself in another garden where you’re valued and respected. The choice is always yours to make.

Keep your head up, Cindy! You got this!

With love and light,

Your FairyGodMentor®

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(Image courtesy of Kirsten White Photography)

Joyel Crawford is an award-winning career and leadership development professional and the founder of Crawford Leadership Strategies, a consultancy that develops empowered, results-driven leaders through engaging leadership development coaching, training, and facilitation. She is the author of the best-selling book and audiobook Show Your Ask: Using Your Voice to Advocate for Yourself and Your Career.

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