Letting Go

Tisha Grannum-Skinner risked it all to become an entrepreneur. In 2007, the married mother of two quit her job as a sales manager for consumer products giant Colgate-Palmolive Co. She raised $100,000 by cashing out her 401(k), taking out a home equity loan, and soliciting contributions from relatives. She then secured an additional $210,000 Small Business Administration 7(a) loan through a bank and, with her husband, opened a Smoothie King franchise in DeKalb County’s Chamblee, Georgia.

“Pretty much all my life I knew I wanted to own my own business,” she says. “Once I decided it would be this, it took about two years to take it from conception to reality.”

Things started out smoothly. In 2007, “our net was about $30,000,” says Grannum-Skinner; a decent return, “since businesses never prosper in the first year.” At first they easily kept up with the bills, but in 2008, a sinking economy and rising gas prices led customers to forgo smoothies in favor of necessities, such as groceries. Grannum-Skinner began to feel the effects of the weakening economy; soon the franchise struggled to pay its bills. With two full-time and nine part-time employees, rent, and other expenses, the prospects were not looking good. But, accustomed to success throughout her sales career, Grannum-Skinner didn’t know how to use the word quit.

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“I was rejected by four different banks before I got approved for my business loan,” she says. “But I never gave up. I kept shopping my business plan around until I succeeded.”

Yet, by December 2008, after months of worrying about how to make payroll and pay rent and loan payments, “I made the painstaking decision to close our doors,” Grannum-Skinner says. During that last year, she had tried unsuccessfully to find an investment partner and to get another business loan, but after talking with family members and other franchisees, “I realized it would be more detrimental to hold on to a failing business than to give it up.”

Despite the mantras of “Never give up” and “Keep fighting” that many achievers subscribe to, hundreds of thousands of Americans shut down businesses, end relationships, or close the doors on some type of dream each year. In 2008, an estimated 595,600 small businesses were shuttered, according to the SBA. More than 1.4 million Americans stopped battling financial pressure by filing for bankruptcy last year. And in 2008, 3.5 out of every 1,000 people ended their marriages. Did all these people lack faith and courage to follow through? No.

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“While you never want to give up on a dream, sometimes it’s in a person’s best interest to let go of how they are trying to manifest it,” says Rev. Anthony Farmer, founder of Visions of the Heart, a spiritual life center based in Mount Rainier, Maryland.

In other words, sometimes you must walk away and wait for a different time or develop a better approach. Or, in some instances, not relaunch it at all. But how do you know when that time has come? And though it’s one thing to walk away, it’s another to manage the physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial consequences that often follow.

A price too high?
Once Grannum-Skinner’s franchise fell behind on bills, it wasn’t long before her family’s bills started going unpaid as well. “We were robbing Peter to pay Paul,” the 35-year-old admits. “It was like a snowball effect. We couldn’t seem to come out of it.”

Compromising your basic needs or those of your family may indicate that a dream has become too costly, says Tiffany D. Sanders, a licensed psychologist based in Naperville, Illinois. “If you’re neglecting your or your dependents’ physiological needs because you want this dream to come to fruition, it might not be worth it,” she warns.

Some other ways to determine if a dream is too costly:

1. “Ask yourself, ‘how long have I been swimming upstream with this,’” says Nicole Cutts, a licensed clinical psychologist and success coach in Washington, D.C. Sure, dreams require hard work, but “if you’re struggling and working hard without making progress but instead experiencing setback after setback over a long time, then you need to consider whether you’re moving in the right direction.”
2. Assess whether you’re utilizing all your money, time, or energy. Some entrepreneurs may work seven days a week to get a business started. But if they get no satisfaction or are neglecting other things in life with no end in sight, they may want to postpone their dream until they can access a surplus of financial or emotional resources, Sanders suggests. So if you’re constantly depleted (mentally, physically, or otherwise) while trying to accomplish your goal, the timing may not be right.
3. Think twice if the dream causes you to compromise your morals and values, Sanders advises. “If you’re scheming or manipulating to maintain it, stop.”
4. Check your motivation. “Fear of loss or hurting your self- image are not good reasons to hold on,” says Cutts. “If the enjoyment is all gone, ask yourself ‘Why?’”(Continued on page 4)
   
5. Set a limit that’s reasonable for you, such as a period of time or a dollar amount, to spend on the dream, Cutts advises. Once you get to that point, if you’ve seen no results, it may be time to try something different.
6. And, yes, naysayers are typically available and ready to oppose you; however there are trustworthy people you should turn to. But you must listen,
   especially if what they’re saying goes against your pursuits. Sanders suggests, “If family members and close friends are telling you you’re neglecting certain aspects of your life, this may be a time for you to postpone or alter your course.”

The matter at hand
But just because you’ve called it quits doesn’t mean you’ve given up. Farmer recommends taking a broader look at what the dream represents. He says some may want, for example, a platform by which they can influence others, but the initial attempt at that, say, writing books, may not materialize in spite of their best efforts. They may be disappointed that their book deal fell through; however, influencing others is the actual dream. “So, explore other possibilities for getting there,” he suggests.

It’s also important to note that failure often teaches lessons that can lead to great success. A failed business may provide insights for starting a larger endeavor; a failed marriage can provide learning experiences that lead to stronger personal relationships; a foreclosure can catalyze a renewed desire to create financial stability through more prudent financial habits.

You may not immediately know what greater thing can come out of your decision to walk away, but don’t let that stop you from cutting the cord, advises Farmer. “Sometimes you have to let go of it to see it more clearly.”

You meant well
It’s also important not to take the failure personally, says Alduan Tartt, a licensed psychologist based in Decatur, Georgia. “The business or marriage failed–you didn’t,” he points out. Sure, you should take responsibility for your mistakes and consider

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adjustments you’d make in the future but, Tartt adds, “It’s really about evaluating what went wrong, and looking at a failure as information for the future.” Of course, not taking it personally is easier said than done. The key is remembering that the dream represents something you did, not who you are. It also helps to think of something else that you failed at the first time around and later completed successfully. “Your perspective determines whether you deem failing 10 times as reason to quit versus feeling 10 times closer to finding the answer,” says Tartt.

Making peace with it (and yourself)
Any decision to let something go will take an emotional

toll. “You may feel angry at the world,” says Tartt. You may also feel embarrassed, humbled, and anxious about what’s next. Grannum-Skinner felt all these things even more acutely because her marriage also ended during this time. “I felt like a failure,” she admits, “as if my entire world was caving in.”

“It’s similar to the stages of grief because the person is mourning the loss of something,” Sanders points out. Give yourself time to move through denial, anger, and maybe even depression. Good self-care habits such as adequate sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition can ease the grieving process. Spiritual practices such as prayer and meditation can also help. To put the experience in perspective, talk to those you trust about some of their failures.

For some, the decision to walk away from a dream can have far more serious emotional consequences, such as intense feelings of unworthiness, helplessness, and self-doubt. In such cases, the person may be afraid to try again, or even feel hopeless about life in general. “When the emotional pain from that loss gets so overwhelming that feelings like low self-worth start to come into play, that’s when talking to a psychologist or licensed mental health counselor would be helpful,” says Sanders. “When you’re feeling ineffective as a parent, business owner, or homeowner because of the failure, a counselor can help to challenge those feelings.”

Expect to feel sad while you’re adjusting to the loss. But Sanders advises, “if months pass and you’re still feeling hopeless or not doing activities you once enjoyed, seek out a professional you can talk with to regain control of your life.”

Moving ahead
Having a Plan B can help you move forward when you’ve decided to close the doors on an endeavor. “There should always be a Plan B, C, D, and even E since things always change,” Tartt urges.

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Grannum-Skinner’s Plan B makes use of what she’s learned. “Since I knew the ins and outs of opening a business and having it succeed and then fail, I started a consulting firm that helps people start their own businesses.” Grannum-Skinner has relocated to the Baltimore area where she works as director of alumni services for the Center for Urban Families, a nonprofit; she runs the consultancy part-time. She still owns the rights to her franchise so “if I wanted to, I could open up another store, but instead I’m working on building my net worth back up to where it was before.” In all, Grannum-Skinner is optimistic. “I hit bottom, so that means now there’s only room for improvement.”

A Dream Deferred: The Cost of Quitting

When Tisha Grannum-Skinner closed her franchise, she couldn’t pay back her business loans. Compounding matters, she had used a home equity loan on her primary residence and had put up a rental property as collateral. Recognizing that the situation w

as not salvageable, she filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which discharged her loans but forced her to lose her homes. “I had to start over with no credit,” she says. “It was embarrassing.”

Many who declare bankruptcy or lose their homes to foreclosure often grapple with feelings of loss and ­failure, as well as blemished credit. But since the damage is already done, the key now is focusing on the positive. In some cases, “they no longer have a significant debt burden to carry,” says Decatur, Georgia-based licensed psychologist Alduan Tartt. “Their overhead is lower, so they can start saving and rebuilding their credit.” Another bright side (which may not immediately appear beneficial): They’re forced to confront their financial reality. But even financially, it’s not the end of the world, says Dana S. Branham, a Lexington, Kentucky-based financial adviser with investment firm Edward Jones. To reclaim your financial sanity, do the following:

1. Seek professional financial help. A financial adviser or credit counselor can help you see mistakes you made earlier and hold you accountable in the future.
2. Commit to change. “You’ve got to change what you were doing before,” says Branham. “If it was using credit all the time, then stop. If it was not saving money, then start.”
3. Start rebuilding. “Bankruptcy stays on your credit report for seven years, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start re-establishing credit before that,” says Branham. Using a secured credit card, which is backed by cash the cardholder deposits in an account, is one way to do that.

Sharing the Hard Fight

When you give up something you’ve been passionate about, often you must tell others, from family members to friends to colleagues.  Naperville, Illinois-based licensed psychologist Tiffany D. Sanders offers advice on informing different people in your life.
On informing business partners or associates in the endeavor: “Avoid blaming others,” Sanders advises. Take responsibility for what went wrong; then make it clear that you’re ready to move forward. If you’re a business owner laying off employees, be honest about the failure and offer any support you can (Read “Rules of Engagement,” July 2009).

On informing family members: When your decision will affect others, devise a plan for telling them; then let them know exactly what they can expect as a result of your actions. “Tell them, for example, ‘we might have to scale back expenses, or sell the house,’” says Sanders. Also, be open to their suggestions since the outcome affects all involved.

On informing everyone else–or not: Share the experience only with those whom you know truly support you and want to see you succeed. If others ask, “hold your head up high and respond confidently that you’ve hit a setback. It’s no more of a setback than anyone else would hit in their life,” Sanders points out. “Let them know in a very diplomatic way that you don’t want to discuss it further, then simply leave the conversation there.”