Improve Your Relationship … With Your Money

For the past few years, the media’s been having a field day discussing the marital state, or lack thereof, of black women. But there’s a different kind of relationship that’s hurting many black women–married, single, or otherwise–and that’s their relationship with their money.

In this final installment of our Women & Money series, we’re tackling four primary behaviors that can stunt your financial growth: the money martyr, who bails out family and friends to her own detriment; the financial co-dependent, who relies heavily on others to supplement her financial needs; the financial hoarder, who’s terrified of spending any money; and the compulsive spender, whose buying habits are out of control.

“All of these behaviors are variations of the same emotion: fear. Fear that you won’t have enough and that you as a person aren’t enough. Fear that you can’t succeed on your own two feet. Fear that people won’t love you if you create boundaries and say ‘no,’” says Jacquette M. Timmons, financial coach, speaker, and author of Financial Intimacy: How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Money and Your Mate (Chicago Review Press; $14.95).

These worries are more than anecdotal. Nearly a third of women in general feel they need a lot of help when it comes to making wise financial decisions, according to Prudential’s Financial Experience & Behaviors Among Women study, and 33% of black women feel money is the single biggest problem they’re facing, according to a recent study by The Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation.

Experiencing that fear, these four women have been in the valley of financial despair and have emerged triumphant. Now at their financial peak, they, along with our experts, share how you too can address and overcome your fears.

Continued on next page

The Former Money Martyr

For a full decade after Georgette Prater turned 18, the word “no” was not in her vocabulary when it came to family and friends in need. She would loan out $500 or $1,000 to those who asked. Sometimes she got it back. Most times she didn’t. She listed a few family members on her credit cards as authorized users to handle their daily expenses such as groceries and gasoline. Others would splurge on vacations and electronic devices. She was left with the soaring credit card bills.

“For most of my life, I was unable to save and I would continually go into debt for my friends, family, and loved ones. I didn’t know how to say no,” says Prater. “I lived this way because I get joy from seeing others happy. It was always painful to see someone want or need something. I took it upon myself to find a way for others, even when I took it from myself.”

Prater reached a turning point in 2007. Although she is a finance professional, she sought a counselor during her divorce to assist her with mounting debt. During the session, a family member called to ask for $10,000. As she tried to figure out how to get the money, the counselor stopped her in her tracks. That was the first time she said “no.” It was her aha moment. Today, her primary focus is on her well-being and that of her three children. She is about to buy a new home that costs upward of $200,000 and can almost pay cash for it. Her car loan was paid off in 2008. After liquidating her retirement account to pay off debts and cover liabilities incurred with her ex-husband, she has increased her credit rating to above 700 and has resumed contributing to her 401(k). She has a money market account and her savings has grown to a year’s salary.

“Don’t co-sign for others and allow them to be authorized users on your credit card if you cannot afford to do so. You are responsible for that debt and it can start a downward spiral,” says Doreen Carter, author of The Mis-Education of the Christian…: On Money and Giving (AuthorHouse; $15) and creator of the Who Mooved My Money? software program. “Look at your personal budget when someone requests money. Consider whether you can pay for this if the person does not pay you back. If the answer is no, then say no. We believe in charity, but charity begins at home.”

Continued on next page

The Former Financial Co-Dependent

In her late 20s, Demetra Morgan began dating a man 10 years her senior who was financially secure. A firefighter by profession, he seemed to look for and date women whom he could rescue. Morgan fit the bill. When she needed help paying her monthly bills, she thought it only natural to go to him. Four years later, he said she was too dependent and he would no longer help. She didn’t understand why. After all, she thought her man was supposed to do that.”

“For most of my childhood, my mother, my sister, and I lived with a man–a different man. Every few years, when something went wrong, we would get called into the house and told to pack our clothes. It meant that we were moving yet again.

Sometimes we would move into the man’s house and on rare occasions he would move in with us,” says Morgan. “I guess this might have shaped my thinking that women were supposed to depend on men.”

When her boyfriend refused to help her, she realized she was in a position she did not want to be in, and vowed never to be dependent on any man other than God. On Jan. 1, 2006, she and her girlfriends, known as the Circle of Trust, sat down to set goals. In the long term, she wanted to be financially healthy. Short term, she wanted to find a job making more money, pay off old debt, and build her credit score. She created an impressive résumé, consulted a financial adviser, and met with a credit repair specialist.

Today, she is wholly independent. After making the decision to find a new job three months prior, she left V & J Holdings Inc. in Wisconsin in April 2006 and began working for the State of Georgia. Within four years she had a $50,000 salary increase. Her biggest step, though, was getting a home that no man can put her out of, which she purchased in 2007 for $170,000. She has built up a nice nest egg with a primary savings, vacation club, Christmas club, certificate of deposit, and money market accounts at her credit union. Morgan is also on the lookout for her first piece of investment property.

Continued on next page

“Just as with any behavior, a destructive or harmful financial behavior can be best characterized as when you consistently make choices that are unhealthy,” says Timmons. “What’s unhealthy? Overspending; not addressing debt realistically and strategically; not making goals and actively working to achieve them; following investment fads instead of investing with a purpose. And believe it or not, under-earning can also be viewed as destructive.”

The Former Financial Hoarder

As a little girl growing up in Robbins, Illinois, Jennifer Wilson lived a great middle-class life. Her dad was an electrician and her mom an assembly line worker. She met the ice cream truck three times a day, wore the most fashionable clothes, and was the only girl on her block riding around in a red remote-controlled toy sports car. Then at the age of 12, it all came to an end when her parents moved back to rural Mississippi. For some time, her Dad could not find work and when he did, he suffered an accident. She learned immediately what it was like to be poor.

“I experienced firsthand what

not having money looked and felt like. I didn’t like that feeling. As a result, I was afraid to spend money,” says Wilson. Despite being middle class and having a solid financial plan in place, Wilson was trapped by her fear and refused to spend any more than the bare minimum. “I didn’t take vacations or buy nice furniture. When I bought cars, they were low-end used cars.” She placed all of the money not spent on bills in a savings account, Edward Jones Investment fund, and a college tuition fund for her children. When her husband, Tony, a church grief and bereavement minister, encouraged her to just live a little, she declined. He trusted her instincts with finances and gave in.

But in 1994, Wilson and her husband, inspired by her sister who traveled often, really began to live life. They now regularly take vacations to tropical locales such as Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, and the Bahamas. And she finally purchased contemporary furniture. But her priorities haven’t changed: She still buys inexpensive cars, opting instead to send her children to an elite private school. Wilson learned that she could let go of the anxiety and loosen the purse strings a little and still be a great steward of her money.

Continued on next page

“Financial behavior is a direct correlation to our upraising. Most in our community have been trained with the financial survival mode mentality,” says Cyrus L. Hancock, president and CEO of Hancock Wealth Management. “It is important to enjoy the fruits of our labor to have balance in our life. Budget and plan to pay your bills, save toward your emergency reserve, and at the same time, save a little each paycheck for disposable income or ‘playground money.’”

The Former Compulsive Spender

Whenever Paula Burch experienced any type of emotional distress, she would head right out to shop. It wasn’t just regular shopping. It was high-ticket items such as a car, television, or furniture. She would spend hundreds of unplanned dollars with no consideration of the bills that had to be paid thereafter.

“Then it would take months for me to get back on track,” says Burch. “I love how my mother is so frugal and can stretch a dollar as if it were $100. She is a bargain shopper and can always find the best deals. As a child, I hated going shopping with her because we would be in stores all day. I vowed I would never put my children through that. As a result, if I saw it and I wanted it, I bought it. It got completely out of control.”

According to Kathleen Gurney, Ph.D., CEO of Financial Psychology Corp. and author of Your Money Personality: What It Is and How You Can Profit from It (Financial Psychology Corp.; $29.95), obsessive—compulsive disorder is often played out in money management with obsessive spending. Instead of constructively working out the depression and resolving the root cause of the pain, individuals “act out” with their money as an alternative.

“One of the most important questions for the compulsive spender to ask themselves is, ‘What am I really trying to buy?’ Usually the compulsive spender doesn’t know how to utilize money to bring them real lasting pleasure,” says Sally Palaian, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Spent: Break the Buying Obsession and Discover Your True Worth (Hazelden; $14.95). “I try to help people to ‘hit the target’ to use their money in ways that will bring them longer lasting happiness.”

Continued on next page

After her husband, Robert, passed away unexpectedly in May 2006, Burch didn’t have anyone to help her pay for her large purchases. With two teenage children who depended on her, she was forced to face her compulsion. Thumbing through the Bible one day, she came across a scripture that says one is righteous when they pay their debts. She took a Crown Financial Ministries class at church and found a person who was willing to hold her accountable. When the lease ended on her BMW, Burch got a less expensive car, saving $400 a month. She now has a strict budget and no longer goes on spending binges. She’s also paid off her credit cards with the highest interest rates and started her own business, True Essence L.L.C., and has other ventures that bring in additional income to supplement her full-time job. She now pays it forward by helping others with their finances.

According to Gurney, signs that you are having a dysfunctional relationship with money are that you earn it but never reap the benefits, live with chronic debt, live beyond your means, have frequent arguments about money with your partner, use it to buy love, or have a financially dependent lifestyle relying on family and friends.

“First we must acknowledge that we have a problem. Knowing isn’t enough. It will take rewiring/renewing one’s financial beliefs to change one’s behavior,” says Hancock. “Schedule a meeting with a financial professional to discuss your financial fears, goals, objectives, and your personal financial philosophy, which is more than likely what has you at this point.”